George Carlin: "You Are All Deseased".

1. I don't have pet peeves; I have major psychotic fucking hatreds, okay. And it makes the world a lot easier to sort out.

2. Here's another guy thing that sucks. These t-shirts that say: "Lead, follow, or get out of the way". You ever see that? This is more of that stupid Marine Corps bullshit. Obsolete, male impulses from a hundred thousand years ago, "Lead, follow, or get out of the way". You know what I do when I see that shirt; I obstruct. I stand right in the guy's path, force him to walk around me, he gets a little past me, I spin him around kick him in the nuts, rip off his shirt, wipe it on my ass, and shove it down his fucking throat. Hey, listen that's all these marines are looking for; a good time.

3. I'm thinking of opening up a motel and calling it "The Sleep and Fuck". Wouldn't that be a good, honest name for a motel, who needs this "Shady Pines"-bull shit? "The Sleep and Fuck"-motel. Get me one of them big neon signs: "Sleep", "Fuck", "Sleep", "Fuck".

4. Remember, this is Mr. Conductor talking. I know what I'm talking about.

5. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man, living in the sky who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of 10 things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these 10 things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever till the end of time... But he *loves you*.

6. I decided to look around for something else to worship; something I can really count on and immediately I thought of the sun. Happened like that.

7. overnight, I became a sun worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night... but first thing the next morning.

8. They'll take away a gun, but let you keep a knife. Well, what the fuck is that? In fact, there is a whole list of lethal objects they will allow you to take on board. Theoretically, you could take a knife, an ice pick, a hatchet, a straight razor, a pair of scissors, a chainsaw, six knitting needles, and a broken whiskey bottle, and the only thing they're going to say to you is, "That bag has to fit all the way under the seat in front of you."

9. And if you didn't bring a weapon on board, *relax*. After you've been flying for about an hour, they're going to *bring* you a knife and fork! They actually *give* you a fucking knife! It's only a table knife, but you could kill a pilot with a table knife. It might take you a couple minutes. You know. Yeah, especially if he's hefty.

10. There's a lot of things you use to kill a guy with. You could probably beat a guy to death with a Sunday New York Times!

11. Lemme ask ya something. How's everybody doing tonight, huh?

12. Good. Well, *fuck you!*

13. It's ridiculous and it goes to ridiculous lengths! In prisons, before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol!

14. It's true! It's true. It's true! Well, they don't want you to get an infection! And you can see their point: wouldn't want some guy to go to Hell *and* be sick! It would a lot of the sportsmanship out of the whole execution.

15. Besides, an airplane ride shouldn't be completely safe. You need a little danger in your life! What are you gonna do, play with your prick for another 30 years? Read People magazine and eat at Wendy's til the end of time? Take a fuckin' chance! And besides, if we made airplanes completely safe, the terrorists would simply start bombing other places that are crowded. Porn shops, crack houses, titty bars, and gangbangs. You know, entertainment venues.

16. Angels, shit. What about goblins? Doesn't anybody believe in goblins? We never hear from them, except on halloween, and it's always negative shit too, you know. And zombies! Where the fuck are all the zombies? That's the trouble with zombies, they're unreliable. I think if you're going to buy the angels shit, you might go for the zombie package as well.

17. Whoever coined the phrase "let the buyer beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole.

18. Do you know why it is, when a rancher fucks a sheep, he does so at the edge of a cliff? It's so the sheep will push back

19. Do you know why it is, when a rancher fucks a sheep, he does so at the edge of a cliff? It's so the sheep will push back.

20. [on the security questions asked at the airport] Did you pack your bags yourself? No, Carrot Top packed my bags. He and Martha Stewart and Florence Henderson came over to the house last night. Fixed me a lovely lobster newburg, gave me a full body massage with sacred oils from India, performed a four-way around the world and then they packed my bags. Next question.

21. White people have no business playing the blues ever, at all, under any circumstances. Ever, ever, ever. What the fuck to white people have to be blue about? "Banana Republic ran out of khakis"?

22. "The espresso machine is jammed"?

23. "Hootie and the Blowfish are breaking up?"

24. White people ought to understand it's their job to *give* people the blues, not to get them. And certainly not to sing or play them. I'll give you a little tip about the blues, folks: it's not enough to know which notes to play. You need to know why they need to be played.

25. Another thing I'm getting tired of is when after six policemen get arrested for sticking a floor lamp up some black guy's ass and ripping his intestines out, the police department announces they're going to have "sensitivity training".

26. I say "hey, if you need special training to be told not to jam a large, cumbersome object up someone else's asshole, maybe you're too fucked up to be on the police force in the first place."